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The Life of Cratasius Octopusin association with Treason22, back in the days of time-limited net and late-night bumming.Once upon a time there was a person named Cratasius Octopus. This man had no fingers. Instead he had pens growing out of his hand. This was very handy when he needed to write on various pieces of paper at the same time. Anyway, the time was 2000AD and the world was in chaos. Supervillan Bill Gates had taken over the world, and the people were in suffering. So Cratasius Octopus decided to put his special qualities to use and save the populace from their misery. He self-assigned himself as Penman, and wore his underpants outside of his leggings. Bill Gates heard about this Penman and ignored him because he thought he was crazy. The truth was, Cratasius was just gay, and had influence from people like Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and the cast of Dawson? Creek (like the Jack guy). Anyway, he managed to organise a group of dedicated freedom-fighters, surprisingly. These included Vladimir Putin, John Howard, and Yassir Arafat. These were the fallen heroes of the world in the past ?o called millennium' who were unpopular and had no meaning of life. So Gates felt threatened and sent his trusty secretary Gill Bates to sabotage the efforts of these sad people. Gill Bates brought out her fishy hammer with movable jaws and attacked Cratasius? minions. Cratasius was badly injured in the shoulder, and died from asphyxiation. So Vladimir Putin took over and used karate skills to kick Gill Bates' face into her buttocks. Gill Bates walked back to Bill Gates' headquarters in shame, and explained with difficulty how her face got into her bum. Bill Gates was disappointed, and hired a professional assassin, the ?hought to be dead' Diana Prince of Whales. So this creature, which had the head of some woman, the eyes of a troll, the torso of a dwarf, and the hands of a whale, (And legs of Prince Charles), went to the headquarters of Vlad Putin? congregation in Vladivostok, and called on her/his/its whale and troll relatives to storm the cardboard box. The leader of the Whales was Queen Victoria, who was a zombie. She rushed Vladivostok but got beached. Diana decided to lead the attack herself, and armed herself with nice trinklets such as ruby charm necklaces, diamond tiaras and bullet proof earrings that actually ricocheted bullets into her skull. Diana stormed the cardboard box and screamed at the top of her lungs: ? am here! Come and get me!" Vladimir Putin coldly looked at her and sent out a laser beam from his fluorescent blue nostrils and killed her. Bill Gates thought, enough is enough. He called in the Titans from Sicily and sent them to sink Vladivostok. However by this time the Red Army of Japan had allied itself with Putin and so threatened to blow themselves up if The Titans attacked. This kamikaze act made the Titans ponder, and they talked to each other. ?ather, I? not sure if we can fight them. You know how weak Sonny and Fredo are, but we must do something." The Father replied, ?ichael, we are the Corleone family, and we need to keep up our reputation for being creative and motivated. We will blast them with our water pistols, and insult them." So the Titans did, and the Japanese exploded like a mini rockmelon heated in a microwave. ?nd ab hoc domicum tuum," said Caesar. He was watching from a nearby corner shop, pretending to be buying a packet of skittles while really spying on the cardboard box. However the Titans were much too big to fit in the cardboard box and their assault failed. So the Russian police arrested Vladimir Putin for repeatedly being on television. His gang were sentenced to 14 month community service in Cairo. This displeased Vlad and he committed suicide by eating twelve tons of ice cream. The next to lead the gang was John Howard, from good old Australia somewhere down under. He frowned, his two distinctive eyebrows meeting in the center of his forehead, as he thought of a way to escape the terrors of Cairo. There was a scary mummy running around Egypt, and as a child, John Howard was always scared of mummies from Goosebumps books. So he enlisted the help of Julius Caesar (?arpe diem' he said) to break out of the great pyramid in which he worked as a cleaner. So Julius Caesar brought the CIVIC Legion to storm Alexandria. Then he remembered that his son Caesarian was there and so he killed his son first. That way he was completely guilt free if the Legion raided Alexandria. Anyways, the world cried out for a hero. And this was (drum roll, trumpets, elephants marching, chickens clucking, space aliens smiling, apples falling off trees) David Smith. Who nobody knew. He was a plumber in Klatch, in India, and he had decided to become a hero when a bloke in the pub betted him that he will never become one. Anyway, he went to Alexandria, and cooked up a pot of curry, sealed it off, heated it, and it exploded, creating the crater better known as the Mediteranean Sea. He sent a letter bomb to Bill Gates, but because he was a cheap person, gave the incorrect amount of postage. This letter was sent back to him, and forgetting there was a bomb in it, he opened it. [Drum roll] Kaboom! Said the letter inside, and he was so shocked he died. Later, 4 autopsies proved he died of a cancerous tumor in his leg. The world arose in outrage, and Bill Gates was forced to stand down over the amount of cancer cells in the world. People became wary of eating chicken drumsticks, because someone once died of a cancer bulb in there. So the Pro-Gatesists and the Antidisestablishmenterrialists had a showdown in Waterloo Square, London. There was water in the loo. Nobody cared. Bill Gates by now had flown to Mexico where he met Speedy Gonzales who taught him the art of running around very quickly. He spent two seconds in meditation to master this art. Meanwhile, his supporter, Pierce Brosnan, had taken centre stage in London. Opposing him was Pikachu the Pokemon. Pikachu was getting worked up, his cheeks flashing, and squinted at 007. He went ?ika, pika... Chu!" and flew out the ceiling in a giant sneeze. His plan worked: Pierce Brosnan had caught the flu. So he took out his ?ure Shot' siege mangonel and launched a ball of fiery sulphur at Pikachu. He was burnt to death and taken away by Londinians to share out. ?here? good eating in one of these things", said the Lord Great Chamberlain aka Royal Plumber. The Pokemon community rose up in outrage, and began attacking the city of London. Charmander was burning down buildings, while Squirtle put the fires out because his water spray was going awry. Then a monk came out of St Paul? Cathedral and complained. Charmeleon shot a fiery spear towards him. The monk turned out to be Nostrodamus the Great Propheteer, but he died anyway. After all, he was a burnt toast, and nobody could survive something like that. Charmeleon, now filled with renewed self-esteem, strutted down the streets like some big shot, and smiled and waved at all the common Pokemons living in poverty. Meanwhile Londinians had taken the burnt body of Nostrodamus and shared him out. ?here? good eating in one of these things", said the LG Chamberlain aka Royal Plumber. The Londinians were really desperate. They migrated on flying camels to Tahiti where they began eating the local population of feral cats. ?here? good eating in one of these things," said LGC. The queen was outraged at this outrageous behaviour. He sacked the LGC and replaced him with his brother, the Lord Slightly-Less-Great Chamberlain. The Queen went into the bathroom and began her daily ritual of shaving his legs. When asked about his sexuality, he replies: ? like boys. I used to be one," and smiled, and waved. People could see his armpit hairs. Now, Bill Gates' stepdown had created a power vacuum in the international sphere and the sphere imploded and collapsed. The next person to become a celebrity was Britney Spears, commonly known as Bitchney Queers. She was a spear maker from Islamabad, in Pakistan. She became famous when she was stabbed in the stomach and screamed in such a musical way that half the population of Pakistan died. The other half went deaf. BQ was also known as BBQ, because she liked eating kebabs, sausages and T Bone steaks. BQ flew to America on a flying elephant called Dumbo, and there she found her new career as a wannabe. All the kids who watched TV wanted to be like her, and began going out to their backyard and finding scrap metal which they could make into spears. But another person was employed by NBC to combat this wave of spear making. He was [drum roll, etc] --- William Shakespeare, professional spear shaker, and ballet dancer. He shook spears as he performed dances like Swan Lake, and worked part time in a dairy bar and made milk shakes. He also helped people shake bottles of champagne, and speared people? throats when he was an assassin. This was a multi-talented guy. He should be respected. Anyway, some scientists in Transylvania, in Romania, cloned Leonard of Vince from a hair strand found inside a dinosour, and this man was a genius and became ruler of the world. However, nobody listened to his rules. Instead, they were too obsessed with Korn, the pop boy group from America. They liked solving groovy mysteries. But Leonard was the kind of guy who? stay up all night to invent an alarm clock to wake him in the morning, and he set up his own band, Khicken. He also made silly inventions due to his lack of sleep. These were:
see-through liquid paper, fly screens for submarines, a book on how to
read, and condoms with air holes. He was awarded the principle of Nobel?
prize money account because they felt that apocalypse was upon them.
Anyway, his band turned out many good songs, such as ?hen I marched
through rain I got wet', and ?his is a really pointless song so you
shouldn? be listening to it". These songs all sounded exactly the same
but with different lyrics. Korn was baffled by their popularity and so
decided to use the same tactics. They made songs like ? love Leonard of
Vince", and ?hicken is a cool name". People were disgusted at this crude
attempt at sucking up to L of V. So they stormed these people? homes and
dragged them out to Monteverde Square and burnt them at the stake. So it
was L of V: 1; Korn: nil. So Jonathon, Head, David, Fieldy and Munky
combined and used their Korn powers, turning into a: corn, corn of the
cob with a dab of butter, popcorn, creamed corn, and a corn kernel, and
just stayed there. Points: LV: 1, Korn: 1. But then LV did a very good
serve and it bounced in the corner of the court and Korn was unable to
return it. It was an ace. LV 2, K 1. Korn kicked Lv? ass. LV2, K2. LV
brought in a trebuchet and launched a cow towards K. The cow ate the
Korn. LV 3, K 2. Korn decided they were outnumbered againts LV alone,
and forfeited. LV became champion of the World in Chess. So he
celebrated by slaughtering 5 million people in Tenochtitlan, aka Mexico
City. He became the champion of Greece. The Greek looked up to him like
a god, and brought him fresh food and wine every three weeks. He was
installed in the Pantheon, where the roof did not exist. So L of V
designed a new kind of fragrance, and used it to please the sun god.
Apollo was pleased and took him to heaven, where he was scorched by the
sun? heat. So the Londinians went up in a rocket and retrieved his
corpse. ?here? good eating in one of these things", said the L S-L-G C.
By this time, LV? son, Leonardo Di Crapio was a healthy young nerd, with
thick glasses and acne, and he was being hassled by a bunch of lebs who
wanted his glasses. LDC put up a great fight, and his acnes burst and so
much oil and pus came out, the lebs were defeated. He went home feeling
good about himself. The londinians came along and began drinking the pus
and oil. ?here? good drinking in one of these things." Said LSLGC. Then
they went to the graveyard and dug up Korn, as they forgot to eat them.
?here? good eating in one of these things," said LSLGC. Then they
disappeared and were not to be seen again until another killing. But
just at this moment a semi-trailer came along and ran LDC into a wall.
He died. The Londinians did not come, as they were full. ?ow much do you
want us to eat?" LSLGC screamed in frustration when questioned by the
media about his inconsistency. In fact, he was so desperate to escape
that he drove his car into a tunnel under the Seine in Paris and died a
horrible, horrible death. The Queen gave him a state funeral, where all
the populace of London turned up to share the corpse. Then she appointed
his cousin-in-law Jerry as Lord of the Chamberpots. He said, ?here? good
eating in one of these things." The managing director's name was Phillip O'Neil. He owned a radio
station. Nothing else. He was elected President of the United States
because he was the only candidate. He launched a war on Iraq. Russia was
outraged and bombed Chechnya with Neutron bombs. China responded by
invading Taiwan. Bahrain and Oman invaded Qatar. And Australia fully
supported the untied states by invading New Zealand. All this time, the
people of Jamaica skipped around their country, happily throwing
confetti around as they celebrated Christmas. They were totally
oblivious to the war going on around them, and waved at the Enola Gay
that flew over head and dropped a mars bar on them. The president of
Jamaica picked up this heavenly object and placed it in a glass box
where they worshipped it every three weeks. The pope was outraged, and
called upon all the nations to invade Jamaica over its blasphemous act
of neglecting the worship of this divine relic. Everyone ignored him, as
he was confined in an asylum. His doctors just increased his medicine
dose. This sedative eventually killed him, and the pope went to hell
where he was doomed to eternal hellfire. The next pope to come along was
Arnold Schwarzenegger, and he decided to call himself Saint Maria. ?iva
Santa Maria, Vivat Christo Jesu Domine!" the world arose in cheers, and
all had a sore throat the next morning. The aliens from the Great
Andromeda Galaxy took this opportunity to invade earth. While the
Soothers company was having its best day in sales, the little green men
landed somewhere in the Sahara Desert, where they sizzled up and died.
The Londinians turned up and shared them out. ?here? good eating in one
of these things," said LOC. They discovered the valuable spaceship, and
wandered inside. LOC pressed a red button, and the space craft suddenly
flew off on autopilot to the Andromeda Galaxy. There they met the
Torisorians, who had seeded earth with life approximately 20 billion
years ago. These people had the head of Prince Charles, the ears of an
elephant, the torso fo a crocodile, the legs of an elephant, the arms of
a cicada, and the wings of a Concorde. They carried with them W-75
warheads, and spoke through their belly buttons. Affixed to their backs
were cereal packets with radio masts with which they communicated to
each other. They looked at the Londinians and stared. "Malklar," said
one. "Why have malklar landed on our malklar?" "I do not know, offendi,"
said the LOC, "I rather think that your planet is rather colourful,
shah, back home all we have is the green of cabbages and the brown of
excreta, sultan. In fact, Sahid, I? say that your planet is so good we
might just settle here." Oh no you don?, said the leader of the
Torisorians. He brought out his well-trained Thesaurus and set them on
the Londinians. ?alkar!" he shouted, and the thesaurus began killing the
londinians in the thousands. The londinians shared these corpses out.
?here? good eating in one of these," said LOC. The Torisorians were
shocked at the act of cannibalism displayed by these strangers, and ran
away in fear. And so the Londinians colonised on the planet of Malklar,
creating things that reminded them nostalgically of home: missionaries,
pollution, high bacteria levels... Meanwhile the High Wise Baboon of the
Torisorians was not happy about the situation, Theye ruining our
beautiful Malklar!" he said. ? want these Malklar driven out! Use
Malklar if necessary." So his second-in-Command, General Crappus
Tacticus lead an army of space Thesauri and Literary Critters to invade
the planet of Malklar. The Critters spat out huge volumes of Literary
Critic and these hit the Londinians in the head and they died instantly.
Meanwhile, the Thesauri, crazed with hunger, tore the Londinians limb
from limb and ate the LOC wholesale. ?ooo! There? good eating in one of
these things," shouted one remaining Londinian. ?e need to eat them!"
But then as the thesauri glared at him, he screeched girlishly and ran
into a fridge. He thought it was a ghost. But no, it was just a fridge.
He opened it, and hid inside, hoping the thesauri couldn? get to him. He
was right. The thesauri were too stumped to figure out how to open a
fridge. So the literary critters took centre stage, and spat out so much
critic that the fridge was so battered that it crumbled into dust. ?OOOO!"
Cried the Londinian, as a Thesauri bent down and eyed him. He saw its
metre long teeth, and tried to run away, but a giant claw came down and
snatched him up. That was the end of the Londinians. So the Parisians
came and picked up whatever body parts were left behind by the huge
dictionaries, and the Mayor de Palace said, ?l y a bien manger sur une
de ce chose." How did the Parisians get to Malklar? Nobody knows, and so
they stayed there and lived in fear for being discovered by the
Torisorian immigration authorities. The immigration minister, Baboon the
Second, finallyh got wind of illegal immigrants present. He warned his
people, ?here are whole Malklars of Malklars in Malklar waiting to get
here on Malklars! We must hunt down these Malklars so that no one will
follow their example!" so he sent a huge pyramid throught the Stargate
which got stuck halfway down the wormhole and destroyed the universe.
Now, if you were using Libra? new slim tampons, you? never feel like
that. Cosmos was recreated by a guy named God. If you spell his name
backwards it reads dog. It shows you something, dunnit? Anyway,
witnesses said he looked like a big beard in the sky. A big fluffy green
beard. One wonders what hair dying product he uses. L?real maybe?
Anyway, God created a garden ornament in his own image, and then took
out one of its pipes and made another one. He thought these garden
ornaments had stolen one of his pears and so he banished them out of
Geneva. But he forgot to make them alive. So they rusted and crumbled
after 2 years. As much as one despises oneself, one should always kill oneself. But
the world does very little to stop the act from happening. in
retrospect, even the angels cannot swallow a whole giraffe. They can
only swallow fifteen microscopic universes. This isn't true, but this
isn't false. So you the holy mayor should get a shave. Go kill your
family of baboons. They receive little, but twelve thousand cows is a
huge amount in farm terms. One point is that you just have pizza during
easter ceremonies because it is nice. Bullocks can switch off buttocks
and turn on certain lights in america. Zeus was very gay and he decided
to harrass some vases. This caused great controversy in Zaire because
Zairens have big beliefs in vases. when Gore ate an apple pie he became
weak as he was turning into a zombie. He ricocheted off porcelain
bottles in the Golden Chair. Meanwhile, Celine adversly chose high heels
for her headgear to tour egypt. He never wore green macintosh because
once he stepped on tiger poo. Inside the cage was an ancient bull named
Yassirus that had no girlfriends. Unfortunately he could not eat
vitamins so he was dead tragically. Once upon a time there lived a Prince, Frogface Charlie. He lived in
Windersshins Castle, on Castle Rock, in New Hampshire. His occupation
was Royalty, i.e. smile + wave x 2. As low precipitation can heighten baldness heroes ought judge
themselves not themselves. Indiscriminately, cows inhabit North Honduras
along Jacabb Suicidal Road. This highlights remains gratified
nonetheless. Shakespeare was bankrupt because Ulysseus cried "Nemini"
and morphed into Jacob the jamaican John. Pineapples have exceptional
asses relative to Fueller's Formula. Whenever pineapples congregate the
Moistening Cream dances the Mineral Soup Song, composed through stoned
jackals of unusual strength. Yorkston has Gregorian trees combusted into
asbestos icecream. Gelati had jars-ful of droppings of Mussolini of
Bologna. This exemplifies nothing except yellow genre can burn water.
Tortoises come from Egypt the land of the very Dead Gelati, and St
Martha ate her toenails that morning in 1595 June 78th. How wonderful
they joculated woefully in delight at this horrible taste. William Smith
Garfield Horatius Nelson Yule Gregorius Kristine Julii Madonna Caesarus
Jane Nameless Idiot, was a nameful haemaphrodite. In his early childhood
the Santa played Morning Papers on Good pianos. Karyotypes yelled 'Hizballahs!'
"Shallabzih!""Sezrallah!" "Cream!" and "Cheese". Genetics cried horrible
heroes gorrified Gore the Al Kalim Czar. Nicholai Nicola Nicholas
Montgomery deMontgomeryssonsson Bjorn Cracus Uranus Garfieldus Caecilius
Selfestim -less est hungrig. Ye Gods! Vot allez! Hail nager! Hail boire!
Bouncing Elephants occur only in Sydney, NJ. You normally don't swim
fully loaded with grenades as lunch comes second with Ham fires.
Yatanius Theodorus Matinius Sanguinivoruos Tyranasaurus Gex Imperator
Yorgon Zhou Lunch Gorton Quistis Quinis Quintus Quillius Qian is Shi
Gorry Thumb. Meanwhile I damaged the toenails of Emperor John Maximus as
Garfield. Sammie Lucas George Jacob Bocaj Bocajssonsson Rainbow ap
WSGHNYGKJMCJNI. Gumtrees eat insects and dinosaurs, koalas, professors
and Jacobians. Dianna deCaffeine Undieted Grenadius Tropical Fruit from
Nepal was found in Vladivostok. Today the sun stumbled on the clouds and
birds pecked it. Huns Van Mongols de Manchu Pork ap WSGHNYGKJMCJNI.
Caecilius jumped towards a Panthera hanglider but fell into you. As one
result of the acceleration of mad-cow-disease due to gravity, one fourth
of the population of India crystallised to Strombolites Bhutanese. King
Wood defiled himself with pink excreta from Yorkston poodles that heated
to polish plasmas in deep microwave. |