Spot the Whale

in association with Treason22, back in the days of time-limited net and late-night bumming.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to yet another episode of... Spot the Whale!
Somewhere along the story, you will find the whale. So read carefully -

Once Upon a Time, on the mysterious crag of Dagestan, stood an eagle. It never moved, and had been standing still there since the fifteenth minute of time, until now. Now, Bill Clinton wanted to have sex with it. But the eagle, being a great lover of riddles, decided to test the man's intelligence. He asked: "What is green and thin, and looks like grass?" Bill Clinton said, "My penis!" The eagle saw that it was of great resemblance to that, but it was the wrong answer. "No. You have one more try."
Bill Clinton thought as hard as he could... "I know, The Sword of Dagestan!"
The eagle sighed in relief. "No. It's grass, you idiot." Then it flew away as Bill Clinton tried to lunge at it. It soared high into the sky, then plummeted to the sea because it lost its ability to fly after so long time standing.
Meanwhile, in the town of Seville, an ironsmith was hammering out the new sword of Arthur, Crazipool. It was shaped like a hand, designed to gouge out intestines.king arthur looked upon the sword, and said, "What a wicked kettle! I'm sure Guinevere will love the contemporary design." And Guinevere did. But she found it dysfunctional as a kettle. When she poured the water in, it came out. arthur was enraged and executed the blacksmith by hanging, drawing, and quartering. Everyone died in that way, during those times. It was the only way they knew how to kill people. Murderers found it extremely tedious, and were often caught in the act because it took them so long. However the ironsmith was an American citizen, and bill Clinton declared war on Camelot. He lost, because he was a half-man army. King Arthur was proclaimed champion of the Third World, and the president of india gave him the medal of the camel. He was also proclaimed as King. He was disappointed because the medal of the camel was the lowest status in Indian hierarchy. The highest was the medal of the cow. However, Bill Gates was discontent with the decision, and built a spaceship to show off his wealth. The indians asked him to test it, and he did. He blasted off into space and never returned. The world was horrified, and sent King ARthur off to find him. So King Arthur rode off on Merlin and went to the moon.
There they found the hung, drawn and quartered body of Bill Gates. Arthur suspected a conspiracy going on, and before he knew it, someone came up behind him and tied a shoestring around his neck. It was too short to fit around his wide neck. The assailant was actually Darth Vader. He felt like, for a change, to use physical force to kill, rather than his magical powers. However Merlin was ready at the pounce. He took out his warhead launcher and launched a w77 intensive impact warhead at darth vader. Vader pulled out from his pocket, his sidekick McGyver, who enlarged to normal size and began showing off his karate moves. However the warhead struck and they both died. Merlin jumped up into the air, and started singing that crap ITP song: "I feel good, denenenenene, I feel good..." The darth Vaderists brought out their counter attacker, Benny Fraser aka Sandman singing the Pork Song. "Just another stir-fry, no no no!" Merlin felt challenged, and began singing another number: "I am, strong, I am invincible, I am woman!" Benny Frase laughed so much he died. The vaderists were shocked at Merlin's abilities, and started calling him their new leader. Merlin first asked for a bowl of fruit. THe Vaderists gave him avocadoes. He ordered KFC, they gave him electric wires. Merlin was furious at the disobedience of these people and rained helllfire on them. Donuts began falling out of the sky, and they all ran for cover under the moon's surface. Merlin was the only person left and he died of the impact of the heavy calory-loaded donuts. Yeah. Since the gravitational pull of the moon is only one sixth of the earth the effects of heavily gravitational fat deposits is felt a lot more. that didn't make sense but anyway, Neil Armstrong landed on the moon with his rusty companion dog, Spot. Spot was also known as Buzz Aldrin. They were surprised to find life there, and died of a heart attack in the low gravitational fields of the moon. But Buzz managed to survive, because he was a low life creature and was used to living rough in the wild, and he started a civilisation on the moon.
This was the glorious utopia of Aldrinalin. Everyone there was hyper, and always very restless. Thus, they participated in high jumps, and the record jumpers escaped the moon and were lost in space. This was pronounced as a humanitarian disaster by the president of the US, George W Bush Jr. So he sent an armada of spaceshiups to ds5troye these people who are so careless with human life. These people also included himself, so later he regretted the decision as he was about to be hung drawn and quartered. However there was not enough money in the treasury to do that. So they just stabbed him witht he presidential presentation sword; the hand shaped sword of King arthur, crazipool. GWB Jr, in dsperation, morphed into a Z warrior. He cupped his hands and an energy beam came out, causing an earthquake which buried him in 6 km of rubble. He then transformed himself into a pen, and managed to survive better that way. He was employed by the US senate as the official signature pen, and lived happily ever after.
My mum is standing in the corridor, said GWB JR.

Hercules said gravity kills indigestion. This hell proved Frankfurt was high on Marijuana. So Confucius never regurgitated stereo systems because Volkswagon is monopolising Confucius's marijuana supply. However James Tyson dropped segregation pianos and anvils decorated regularly. Bookman Co. decomposes fresh rotten metal plastic prosthetic natural hair skin, for fluent reading relies upon constipation money. Gangsters smile wickedly yet gouge themselves viciously when traffic congests horribly. Elastic mayor becomes articulate in profiteering when hunchback giraffe introduces cream cheese to Barbarian Shakespeare. King Jane died happily and fortunately in his graveyard. Jane the Premature Decapitatee was unadulterated, aged pi plus sigma divided by eleven. Which indicates that marijuana advocates tissue regurgitation. Nobody but me and I forget November 10th because India grows crucifix tomatoes. Furthermore, I granted myself tuppence without decapitation. Yah! Take three legacy cups forged by Haphaestos so forcibly booked luckless and dead, then kill Bill Woods. Tiger Balm for tuppence! Quick, fire in China! Water buffalo marauding Genghis Land Khan. God forbid him self to masturbate whilst Decantion publicly. So don't sweat about Dushanbe, it's bombed wet and dry. Imperialist Madonna flirtatiously read The Book OF Bibles. "Thereupon we defecated." How gesticulation wept egotisticly. Cows are green! monkeys speak Canadian. I invested tuppence in shares under Herbert Schumann's Cafe in Papua Old Pound. Vladivostok Tepes produce books when threatened. Barundi Barramundi Bahama bought Fontana cars. Lhasa Apso Polyspastan fish gouges peanuts. The knife end. Pierced bile successfully with no genetic help. sailboats sail with sails when sailing across sailable seas sailed here by tuppence. Mantovani tore himself from within with hand-shaped heads of turnips. Stench filled my head because ventilation exists. Low income results in the Tuppence Phenomenon.